Friday, March 18, 2011

There's No "I" in "Has Been"


Tomorrow sees everyone's favourite rock and roll marital aids Nancy Vandal back in action at the 2011 Monster Session at Sydney Uni. NV shows are few and far between these days and one can forget just how volatile and dangerous the band can be. However by taking the correct precautions, punters can minimise their chances of common NV gig pitfalls such as demonic possession, bad shout management, and death.

Here are some tips to ensure you enjoy a safe and enjoyable evening.

1. Birth Control. 
NV boast 10000 times the level of sexual potency of your garden variety rock star and require no physical contact to render suitable mates pregnant. Unprepared Punters may find themselves with child as the result of a sultry gaze, blistering lead break or fumbled schooner glass. Male and females are equally at risk so remember your chastity belts people.

2. Absence of light.
God fearing punters should be warned Beezlebub attends every NV concert. He can be seen pressed against the stage nodding approvingly at the bands unholy sonic sermon and pleading for autographs post gig. Keep your soul tucked away safely in a fanny pack doused in holy water and avoid signing pacts or contracts of any kind. Best leave all quills, pens or markers of any kind at home.

3. Industry Buzz.
NV shows invariably attract a swarm of high flying record executives desperate to get the bands signatures on a lucrative record contract. Unfortunately for them NV's heroic punk rock ideals make such overtures a complete waste of time. However punters caught amidst the fruitless A&R feeding frenzy need to be careful lest they inadvertently get signed to a 6 album deal with Casablanca Records. See the advice given in [2] re writing devices.

In summary. Nancy Vandal gigs are a highly charged sexual environment, with elements of the occult and unsupervised supernatural forces seeking to bring about the end of days via sonic mind control and trained bats. Just use your common sense and have fun!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Whenever one reads you, it is always as in between of: what is new on the outer regions of metaphysical physics mumbo jumbo and how's the sex-life Foxall Baby ? ..
We hail you Caesar!!
(Ahoy to z lady of z house and progeny if any)
Have (un)fun tonite
After all z damn years it is the only NSW that I remember fondly.
Go bunta!!
Yours
Franko
Adelaide
Driest & Safest State Of The Union
Dark & Beautiful place.
Drunk, most certainly...
P.S.
What's your take on Zeitgeist thingy?
just-franko@inbox.com